Dear Perplexed,
You write that it’s difficult to think about ordinary everyday things when such extraordinary things are happening all around us. But, even in the face of global turmoil, you still want advice about how to help your children thrive over the summer.
Actually, I see a connection between the two. In the face of world chaos, we all need sustaining commitments. And your commitment to your children, which includes organizing their summer, really does matter.
Children count the days until school’s out, anticipating their freedom. You, on the other hand, dread the break. Sure, you’re looking forward to family vacation. But in the weeks before and after, when the teachers are gone and you’ve got to supervise your children, you’re running a marathon. Plus, you’re probably still working your paid job. It’s no freedom for you.
Kids don’t always admit it, but they also have mixed feelings about the end of school. They miss the predictable routine and guaranteed playtime with friends. They miss learning new skills. At school, kids learn to navigate the world beyond home, testing themselves and managing frustrations and disappointments. School, at its best, gives children dependable ways to grow more in-charge of themselves. And teachers, at their best, give manageable next-step challenges.
No wonder we worry about the summer slide. Teachers call it “academic regression,” the loss of unused skills. They’ll suggest summer activities that keep academic skills fresh. But you also want to encourage social and emotional growth. Now it’s your job to give those next-step challenges.
Here are two simple ways to promote your children being in-charge of themselves this summer. First, when planning vacation, remember free play. You know the stories. The family who splurged on a Disney trip, only to discover that they most enjoyed hanging out at the pool. The young girl’s highlight of her visit to New York: not the museum or the subway, but chasing pigeons in Central Park. Kids love to run and build sand castles and create their own adventures.
Second, remember work. Whether it’s a weekend project with young kids or a summer job for your teen, work gives children the chance to master new skills and take pride in accomplishments. Take a project like painting the deck. You might be tempted to do the job yourself, but the easiest path doesn’t teach your kid to be a worker. Instead, you work together. You coach. You teach your kid the self-talk to survive tedium: “I’m tired, but I know I can finish.” You teach how to take breaks and get back to the job. And then, when the task is finished, you and your kids celebrate a job well-done. This way, kids learn the value of rolling up their sleeves and sticking with the challenges of daily life.
Teens (from age 14 in VT and NH) can legally work. With that first official job, they take a big step towards adulthood. They exchange some of their free time for the long-term goal of money. Jobs make them navigate real-time relationships, in contrast to the on-line world. They learn to deal with a boss. They gain work experience and references. They imagine themselves as adult workers and explore what will suit them.
For all children, money earned through work promotes autonomy. Long before that first paycheck, your child practices money management. Opinions differ about payment for chores, but even young kids need a way to earn and save money. Then they get to make choices and live within limits. You stop being the automatic provider. Maybe they’ll buy their own souvenirs on vacation, instead of you satisfying every wish. Your child treasures the toy bought with his hard-earned cash far more than the toy you instantly provide. Children know when they’re stepping into self-sufficiency, when they’re growing beyond dependency to become their own agents in the world.
When you encourage your child’s autonomy, you’re fighting the regressive pull. Sure, we all want to regress, to escape tensions, and slide back to paradise. It’s human nature to seek the easiest path. And we need occasional regressions: sleep, a day at the beach, a TV show, daydreaming. In moderation, regressions refresh and enrich. They can keep us in touch with our inner lives.
But too much regression injures. It cripples self-esteem. Imagine a summer that’s all regression--your kid sleeping in, surfing the internet, and playing videogames. We know that’s wrong, a wasting of opportunities to mature. Sure, children work hard during the school year and deserve some leisure. But it hurts when you don’t balance leisure with work-outs, with exercising physical and mental muscles. You might not see it this way, but there’s a subtle cruelty in enabling stagnation. It’s like caging a bird, clipping its wings with over-indulgence, and preventing its flight. You get the familiar comfort of being the provider, the one who’s mature and dispenses treats. But you and your kid will get trapped in obsolete roles instead of risking growth and change.
In truth, the predictable summer vacation is anything but routine. It’s always a moving target to set expectations that match your child’s growing capacities. You can humbly expect to be a step or two behind. What matters is to catch yourself and then ask your child to step it up. It won’t always go smoothly. But don’t be deterred by the power struggles and protests. They’re inevitable as your children test themselves against real world demands and learn to tolerate tensions. That’s maturity and it’s the skill-set they’ll need for their future.
Thoughtfully yours, Dr. Miriam