Dear Perplexed,
You ask for help with your worries about your daughter starting first grade. She’s excited about this big-girl step. You can see she’s grown taller and you’ve right-sized her jeans and backpack. But how do you stay up-to-date with her growing mind? Plus, first grade--with new teacher, new classmates, and a full day of school--brings new demands. You hope your daughter has the maturity to learn and thrive.
Back in toddler days, parenting was so much simpler. Remember that first trip to the playground? You got to oversee her readiness. You watched her make new friends, you coached when the play got rough, you hugged her after a scrape, and then you sent her back out to play.
Now, you no longer observe your daughter’s whole experience. When she leaves for school, you’ve got to trust that she’s carrying the needed skills inside and that she’ll tell you about her day. She’s outgrown physical closeness as the way to stay connected. You’ll have to find another way.
Communication is that way. Communication strengthens the psychological bond between you and your daughter. It evolves. It will see you and her through all the developmental steps ahead. Communication thrives when she feels good as you talk together. She learns that talking enhances pride and confidence. It relieves worries. It adds resources to reduce confusion and it builds security.
Sure, that’s the ideal. But that’s not so easy. You might be eager to hear about your daughter’s school day. But so often, your best-intentioned attempts yield only “I’m tired” or “I don’t know.”
Don’t despair. Timing matters. Most important, listen when she wants to connect. Or, if she approaches when you’re tied up with an urgent task, make a plan to talk later. Usually, it’s easier to chat after she’s had down time. Maybe you’re working together on dinner prep. Don’t forget to bring news of your own day, those kid-appropriate versions of your pleasure or frustration or surprise. You’re modeling the naturalness of sharing.
When your daughter brings news of troubles, take it slow. You want her to turn to you, but you’ll have to resist your urge to rescue. Instead, hear her out. Acknowledge feelings. Brainstorm possible solutions together. Convey confidence in her resources to handle the situation. If she complains about recess teasing, it’s easy to say “Go tell an adult.” But kids appreciate guidance about playground politics. You can encourage her to playfully tease back. Or to assert “I’ve got better things to do,” and go find nicer kids.
Maybe “back to school” inspires you to study too. You might enjoy How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Reviewers praised it as “the parenting bible” when it first appeared in 1970. Perhaps your parents read it. Its message remains ever-timely.
The book teaches mutual respect. Careful listening respects your child. You put yourself in their shoes, and recognize their experience as different from yours. They’re disappointed when a friend can’t visit, while you’re relieved that you don’t have to entertain. In a way, listening is simple. Slow down, take in their experience, and let them know—with a nod or a sympathetic mmh--that you get it.
To respect yourself, state expectations and values clearly. Describe, don’t judge. “I see wet towels and swimsuits all over the floor and I do not like this,” works better than “You lazy kids never clean up.” Plus, your direct assertions become models your children use as they go into the world.
Of course, respectful communication is easier said than done. And it’s more natural for some than for others. You might get reminders from Faber and Mazlish’s book, useful pointers that enhance your approach. If you struggle to connect with your daughter, even as you really want to be close, you might need more than a book. If your own parents didn’t listen and talk respectfully, you’re doing heavy lifting to check your ingrained responses and then give your daughter what you missed. Being a thoughtful reflective parent always takes work. To honestly assess the kind of work it requires is a great relief. It will help you accept and understand your daughter. How can you empathize with your daughter if you can’t empathize with yourself?
In these days between summer vacation and the school year ahead, take time for family conversations. Not to prove that you and your daughter can talk. Not to practice. Just to enjoy and learn more about each other. Maybe you could reflect on the summer past. What was the best part? What was the worst? Maybe you’re more forward-looking. What’s everyone excited about for the fall? What’s expected to be a drag? Or maybe you want to focus on today. Whatever your style, conversations about both pleasure and disappointment help you connect. Some families call it “roses and thorns”. By hearing her delightful and pain, her sweet and sour, you welcome your daughter’s whole experience. You show that you really do want to know her, through all the twists and turns of growing up.
Wishing you and your daughter a confident start to first grade.
Thoughtfully yours,
Dr. Miriam